On September 4th around 8:30pm I got the news I never thought I would. My Mom was clinging to life after a kayaking accident on the American River. Even in that moment of pure fear, I thought to myself that now just wasn't her time. Not with a new life in my belly, just a few short weeks of making her entrance into this world.
On our way to the hospital, I started to feel impending doom. A certainty that the trip I was making would end in her life slipping away. After waiting in the hospital waiting room for hours, I was starting to convince myself that maybe my gut was wrong. For her to be tucked away somewhere in that hospital and not hearing from the doctors for 3 hours must be a good sign. They must be saving her. Unfortunately, I was wrong. The doctors had little good to say and yet they tried feverishly to keep her shell of a body alive. To see her was to know her fate. She wasn't going to die on that hospital gurney. She had already gone in the river. I'm sure she clung to life just so we could have the finality of saying goodbye. I whispered to her to just let go when she's ready. That it was okay.
My brother and I talked briefly, in a way that almost wasn't talking. It was just knowing. We knew we had a decision to make. How to let her go. We knew it was time and that we wanted all our family and friends that made it to the hospital to be there to see her go. At 12:55 am, she left our earth. My brother praying by her side and me kissing her arm. Trying to soak up every second of what her skin felt like. I then felt peace. Total and utter peace. I felt hardly any grief or sadness in my brain or body for a short while. I know that was my Mom. Keeping my mind and body calm for the sake of the new life growing inside me.
I still have variances like I did on the day she died. I go from a sense of denial, to anger and total sadness. To lose your mom when you are about to bring a new member of a new generation in seems so unfair. That's when I need her most. How can I possibly feel that overwhelming sense of joy of a new life when my everything has just lost her life? I straddle two weird worlds of complete heart filling happiness and complete emptiness that only a loss can bring. How greatly unfair to my Hope. For her to feel that torment within me and not just pure love and elation. My Mom was the strongest woman I ever knew. She passed on her strength and determination to me and I know already Hope has that same perseverance. She has overcome so many odds already.
Even with this new chapter beginning, I still feel this odd sense of faith in the situation. Faith in God's plan. I know her death will someday make sense. The timing will be for a reason I don't yet know. All I know is there is a reason, bigger than me. I hope I get to see that day. I hope I can explain to my children what a superbly unique woman my mother was and how much she so deeply loved them. I hope I never forget the feeling of her skin or how her hugs feel. I hope the sound of her voice will always be imprinted on my ears and the smell of her hair will linger in my nose. I hope I feel her spirit everyday. I hope when it's my turn to leave this planet, her face is the first I see. I hope.
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| My Mom and Jackson December 2008 |
