The Hardest Day of My Life

I like to think I'm a tough cookie. In my 31 years on this planet, I lost my Dad at age 6, dealt with a chronically ill mother and subsequently landed in many peoples homes during her ill times. I've lost three of my four Grandparents tragically and had many personal pitfalls in my youth as a result of my roller coaster childhood. More recently, I struggled as my husband dealt with his being disabled for a year and a half to do a back injury. 

I have had many happy times times too. It's not all doom and gloom. Many trips, good times with family and friends, a successful job, meeting the man of my dreams, buying a home and having a healthy, beautiful baby boy. After we weathered the storm of Gary's back issues, I felt that from here on out we would probably have an uneventful (so to speak) life. I had paid my lifetime dues of unfair life events.

When I got the news I would have to be on bed rest, I was disappointed, but knew I could handle it. I would do anything for my children. This would just be a speed bump. Then, last week, we got more devastating news.

We went in for the normal mid pregnancy ultrasound that checks the babies anatomy and gender. We were told we were having a girl! I knew in my heart it was a girl and was elated that my gut feeling was on the mark. The ultrasound technician left the room and shortly after the doctor came in.

He bluntly and coldly said, "There is something wrong with your baby." As he silently scanned my belly with the ultrasound wand, I wept. My mind was racing. "Could this issue be fatal for the baby?", I asked. "Yes.", he replied. I was in shock. He went on to mumble as he scanned my belly for several minutes looking for answers. He explained that she has free fluid in her abdomen and part of her intestines had calcified. The mystery of "why" deepened when there were no other abnormalities he could find. I felt a sense of panicked urgency in him as he consulted with another doctor and a geneticist. 

By the end of the appointment that day, I felt confused and emotionally drained. I knew that her issue was rare complicated by the rare reason I was already on bed rest. They gave me a copy of a study on babies that have what our little girl has. The statistics were favorable, but they still didn't know why it was happening and I didn't understand if the statistics looked favorable why all the panicked concern?

I see my regular doctor tomorrow and the specialist again next week with another ultrasound. In the meantime, I cautiously research and post messages on high risk pregnancy message boards. Nobody seems to have much information for me. I feel alone in my struggle to keep this little girl alive and well but I forge on with hope.

I forge on with Hope.