This was originally written on December 5, 2011. I finally had the balls to post it today.
When I started "The Bedrest Diaries" I was a woman distraught with my situation and yet felt hopeful and that there is a purpose or lesson in my supine journey. I never imagined my journey would conclude with losing my Mom.
Grief found me 3 weeks after my mom's death and after the birth of Hope. It took my infant daughter's cries and smiles to stir the dark despair. I was on autopilot before that point. Just getting things done and final arrangements made. I didn't expect grief to be delayed or come in ebbs of tremendous lows and then normalcy. Grief is a being all its own. It comes when it wants and stays as long as it wants. It makes you feel like joining your loved one wouldn't be so bad and then you see the beauty of life a moment later.
Grief is a dichotomy.
Thankful for mothers yet resentful to see other grown children with their mothers.
An ability to see life's beauty and then it's utter dark despair.
Grief challenges my faith in God and then gives me no doubt that He exists.
As I trudged through my grief one grateful day and one desperate day at a time,I noticed my 8 week old miracle girl wasn't feeling so hot. It appeared she caught a little bug and started with some diarrhea. The next day was followed with worse diarrhea and vomiting. Upon my second concerned call to Hope's pediatrician, we were instructed to head to the ER. I was certain we would wait for hours just to be told how to keep her comfortable at home. Boy was I wrong. They decided to admit her after lots of vomiting and the discovery that she was getting dehydrated. Watching people poke needle after needle into your tiny, sweet baby is torture. I cried with her and felt her pain with her.We headed up to the pediatric unit with an IV in her scalp and her tiny hands bruised from poking.
As my sleep deprived and weary brain recalled the night's events, I looked out at the night's sky from her hospital room and wept. "Why would God do this to us? My Mom is Hope's gaurdian angel. Why was she letting Hope down?" I cussed God out. Life is unfair, but this was beyond that. I could of handled this if this was the only situation I had to face. Coupled with all the past year has brought- this event brought me to my knees.
I never thought once throughout my roller coaster life that I might just give up. This time I was done. Ready to give up. Ready for God to take me too. The lowest day I've ever had in my life.
The saying, "Time heals all wounds" is true. 8 days later we are still here at the hospital, but should go home today. Father time has calmed my frazzled brain. Today I have fight. Today I can't imagine giving up nor fathom the thought that I wanted to give up.
During trying times in my life, I have always been fortunate enough to receive little signs that keep me going. Maybe I read too much into the everyday things I find are my "sign" but whether fluke or a little nudge from above, I got my sign.
During Hope's birth, it was a purple heart that flickered as I experienced a heavy contraction. Just today, as the sun started to rise, two small birds perched themselves on Hope's window and stared at me for a moment. As they flew off I knew I had my sign. Her guardian angels, my mom and dad, letting me know to keep the faith. They are here with Hope. Birds have always been symbolic to me and are apart of Hope's nursery theme.
So maybe God isn't an asshole. Maybe there will be a lesson in this too.
Just like love and kindness, selflesness and faithfulness are part of the human experience, so is pain and even despair. The loss of a loved one, the suffering of an innocent child, the pain of a loving mother who feels helpless to stop her infant from suffering are all part of the human experience. They're hard and unfair...and leave us with questions as to why. Pretty good questions too. You had the courage to express yourself on this page, but even more so in your questions to God as to why. There are many beliefs about God. In my opinion, some are right and some are wrong. It's interesting however, that when we suffer tragedy, we communicate with God. Often times it's in confusion and anger because we're hurting. It sounds like you made it through one of your darkest hours of your human experiance to recognize once again the other side of life: the rising sun, the birds on the window sill - life of a newborn. These are truths and signs you acknowledge and you are comforted by them. That's encouraging to me as well because I believe in signs from above too. I often wonder however, if there are any consistant and foundational truths we can grab hold of to not only help us in our darkest hour(s), but guide us through our daily lives to live as full as we can, while we can. We communicate with God during tragedy because we're hurting and desperately in need of answers to our questions. But if God is somehow to blame for trouble in life, then who do we give the credit to for the good things we experience in life as well; such as love, peace, joy, laughter, the miracle of birth, beautiful sunsets painted across a desert sky, or even the incredible way our body fuctions to heal itself when we get a paper cut? To me, all these things are incredible realities to ponder and I'm amazed when I consider their source. But the hardships of life though, bring the painful questions of why things happen the way they do. But just as you shared, we must keep the faith and make it through to see the light of day again. You did that. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt experiences. It's an inspiration for some of us who might be suffering our own hard times in life. There are many questions unanswered, but I know that God has the answers even if I don't. And just as pain and sorrow are experienced in this short thing called life, I know that love and kindness, mercy and grace, peace and understanding are also experioenced. I can't believe that God is the author of pain and sorrow as we understand it, even though it happens or is allowed. One thing I noticed in your experiance that is undoubtly true in my own, you said that when you could bear it no longer, you were brought to your knees. I've been brought to my knees several times too. There was the first time, and now in my life I've learned that it's a pretty good thing to do on a regular basis. I guess it's because I've seen God give me more answers and signs in my life because I do ask him questions. I really do want to know. But it wasn't always that way. I thought I knew what was what. But not anymore. I know that God loves me and I know that he has answers for my life if I'm willing to seek him. You were open and vulnerable when you shared your deep experiences in this blog - thank you. If more people spoke like this, we'd probably all find more signs and answers for our lives. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteBob,
DeleteThank you for taking the time to comment. I'm glad my experience could speak to you the way it did. May God have mercy on all of us. I hope you are well and am so thankful Gary had the opportunity to work with you and get to know you.